Newest Shared Stories
*The following excerpts are from condensed submissions of true cyberlove stories submitted to Lust in Space with
permission to publish. If you wish to comment or share your own experiences, please write to: firstname.lastname@example.org
**This week's responses, published 11/16/00, were provided by Vixen.
STORY #63 “Why Is She Still Here?”
“Glenn” is a 47 yr. old separated male on the west coast who met a 20 yr. old female in the midwest a year ago online. He writes that he was one of those people who always said “no way” could this happen to him, but found over time that he had developed real feelings for this young woman. There has never been any cyber-sex between them, strictly chatting, something they both agree on. Eventually he told her of his feelings but she has said he must get over these feelings and their relationship must remain strictly friendship. He has continued to talk of his feelings for her and would like to meet. She says no. They have had some major fights over this, and he has admittedly not always been the nicest person to her, but yet she continues to talk with him. He has asked her why she is still here and to date he doesn’t feel she has given him a satisfactory answer. In his words, “she cops an attitude” whenever he brings up the topic. He closes by writing, “Last night I told her when she figured out how to let go of me to tell me and I might consider trying myself (not likely though)”.
You have obviously laid your cards on the table as to your feelings for her, but are unhappy with her response. That’s understandable; nobody likes rejection. I can sympathize with your feelings for this woman and have no doubt they are real. However, often times when a woman says “no”, she really means no. You ask why she continues to talk with you. Perhaps she values your friendship and hopes you will work through these feelings and that in time you can continue as before. Perhaps your attention flatters her and feeds her ego. Everyone likes to feel desireable. I don’t know the woman’s motives for continuing to talk to you when you clearly are pressing for something more than she is able to give. She may not even fully understand why she keeps coming back herself. You should not lose sight of the fact that she is only 20 and not nearly as experienced in life as you. Time will obviously solve this situation. Either she will find she cares for you more than she admits and things will move forward (which is what it sounds like you are hoping for), or she will tire of your pressuring her and move on. Or you may be the one to move on if and when you come to the realization that things are not going to happen between you. If you cannot accept “just friends” between the two of you, you need to try to let go for your own sake. I know this is easier said than done, but its better to part now while still friends than to have the situation eat away at you and eventually cause a bitter and angry parting. I wish you the best.
STORY #62 - "Is Cybersex Cheating?"
"Melissa" is a 33 yr. old female in a Real Life 5 yr. relationship. They have lived together 2.5 of those years. During this time her boyfriend had a real life affair with another woman, to the point of asking the other woman to marry him. He has never been able to make that committment to Melissa. She recently found out he has been having cybersex while she is at work. He claims it is not cheating and has even told her it is HER fault because she comes home from work and discusses her job and some of the men she works with. Melissa writes that their own sex life is "awesome" and she can't understand the cybersex. They have argued to the point that he has even told her to get out. She believes, even though there is no physical contact with another human being, that it isn't right and that the online sex is damaging their relationship.
In my opinion (and there will be those who disagree), cybersex IS cheating, regardless of whether or not there is physical contact with another. Anytime a person engages in secretive behavior, anytime that person knows his behavior would be hurtful to his Real Life partner, and when someone becomes angry, defensive and tries to place blame on another, they KNOW in their heart what they are doing is wrong. You are not responsible for his behavior, only he is.
Cybersex is the sharing of intimate, explicit, and extremely personal words in text form that lead to arousal and frequently to orgasm. This is highly personal behavior that most of us in a committed relationship reserve for that special person in our life. Additionally, cybersex often leads to phone sex, and phone sex can and has led many to meet in person. Check the phone bills for any unexplained long distance or collect calls.
Lastly, I don't know your personal situation, finances, or whether children are involved. You do mention you work and I'm glad. I cannot tell you what to do, but I would strongly suggest you re-evaluate how you are living and your boyfriend's track record. He has already learned from his past actions that he can cheat and you will tolerate it. You can't change his behavior, but you can be responsible for your own. You need more than great sex to build a solid future with someone; you need mutual trust and respect. I don't mean to be hurtful with my response, but you deserve better and I hope you are able to make some changes in your life for the better. Please take care.
STORY #61 - “Real Destruction Can Come From Online Romances”
“Brad” is a 50 yr. old married man who recently found email written by his wife and her online married cyberlover. His wife began chatting online about two months ago between 10 pm and 2 am each night and he had grown suspicious that there was something more than just idle chat going on. It turned out his wife and this man were planning to meet, despite each having spouses and children. Both planned to leave their families eventually in order to be together. Brad was angry and hurt. He couldn’t quite believe this was real and not just a fantasy. He confronted his wife, plus called the other man and spoke with him and the other man’s wife. Brad’s wife told him she really loved this man, but the other man told Brad it was all just fantasy and fun and he never intended to leave his family. Whether or not this was true or the other man’s attempt to save his own marriage, is uncertain. The romance between his wife and the online cyberlover has ended, but it also appears to have ended Brad’s marriage with his wife. They are now separated and their future together uncertain. She is angry with Brad and has gone back into chat rooms and is still having romantic encounters with other married men. Brad feels she has “lost it” and has sacrificed all their years of marriage for these online encounters. He closes by saying, “My wife and I may have had a chance to start new lives; our children are about out of the house. Now we will go our separate ways because she thought she found something better. I am held responsible by her as ruining her future with the other guy and for messing up his marriage by exposing their plans. I am happy for those who find true love on the Internet, but real destruction can come from it.”
Brad wrote a very long and detailed letter that I had to edit down to the heart of his situation. Unfortunately, his experience is not unique. Many marriages have broken up over online romances. It is difficult for many people to understand how real these romances become. The emotions are intense, the urge to meet unbearable and the hurt when they fall apart is very painful. Most people do not initially go into chat rooms with the intention of becoming involved romantically. When it does happen, it is usually something of a shock to the people involved. If they are married, it can and does become more complicated since it affects the lives of others. Once “hooked” on cyber romance, it is very hard for most to give it up, even at the expense of their spouse and family. Based on what I’ve seen and experienced, the addiction seems to take about 3 years to run its course on average. By this time it is often too late to salvage the marriage. I am saddened whenever I receive a letter such as Brad’s. I thank you, Brad, for sharing your painful situation, and I agree that online flirtations can all too often lead to disaster.
STORY #60 - "Net Relationships CAN Work"
"Gary" is a 37 yr. old single male who met a single woman two years ago in an online
chat room. What started as "just friends" eventually evolved into strong feelings for
each other despite the fact that she was in Australia and he was in the U.S. They found
they had so many common goals in life, eventually they decided to meet. They discussed
the possibilities and agreed there would be no pressure or expectations beyond just getting
to know each other in "Real Life" and seeing how things went. She visited a week this past
Christmas. In his words, "The day she flew in, as she got off the plane, both of us knew
that it was right. We locked in an embrace for almost ten minutes... the second day she was
here the decision to get married had been solidified..." They plan to marry by April 2000
and he will be moving to Australia to be with her and her two children. Gary writes that he
hopes others can find the same joy they have found because "relationships on the net CAN work
between the right people."
VIXEN Comments: Its always a pleasure to hear about the successes on the Net. Thank you
for sharing such an uplifting story. You have a lot of exciting changes coming up in your
lives and I hope all goes as you expect. My only word of caution would be that you might want
to consider a trip to Australia and giving the children a chance to get to know you (and you them)
before marriage. You have not mentioned their ages, nor whether you have children by a previous
relationship, but you should know that blending families can be tricky. There are a lot of good
books on the subject. You sound sincere and level-headed and I wish you only the best.
STORY #59 - "Reply to Shared Story #24"
"Kay" has written the following to "Julie" of Shared Story #24:
I would like to reply to "Julie", and echo her plea for contact with others who share her situation. Like "Julie," I am also a 35 year old woman in love with an 18 year old man. Unlike "Julie," ours is a "Real World" relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a small town, so at the moment, even though we are in a committed relationship and talking of marriage, only a select few trusted friends know about this relationship. For many reasons, we have not gone "public" yet.
I would also like to know of others out there in similar situations. Based on my relationship, I know love with such a vast age difference is possible, but there are some unique aspects that come with such a relationship. Please write to me if you know of any other relationships. Thank you."
VIXEN Comments: If others would like to write to "Kay" about their own experience in such a relationship, you can do so by writing in care of "Lust In Space" and I will forward the email on to her. My only comment has to do with a recent television interview I saw where Cher was asked about her past romance with a young man who was at least twenty years her junior. She said "You know, it I were a man in this situation, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. And that really sucks." I think Cher had a point. The double standard is alive and well in the new Millennium.
STORY # 58 - "Both Married But Can't Stop Myself"
"Laurie" is a 27 yr. old married woman with a young son who has been on the Internet about two years.
She met a 40 yr. old married man, who also has a son, in a chat room and began an online friendship that turned to romance.
She lives in India, he lives in Europe. Over time they exchanged pictures and eventually planned a meeting. She has fallen
madly in love with this man, is willing to leave her husband, and is becoming increasingly jealous of his wife. They have met
several times now. Twice he flew to India and more recently she spent a week in Europe. They are now planning to be together
for the Millennium. Even though she knows he is not planning to leave his wife and son, she still wants to see him. She writes
"It hurts to face the reality that we can never be together. I hate myself for feeling this way... but I'm mad about him and I
wish God would give me the strength to fight this feeling. My marriage is only in tact because of my son. Please tell me what to do."
VIXEN Responds: Your story is very familiar and very sad. I am sure you never intended to fall in love over the Internet and lose
your marriage and family. Now that it has happened and you feel as you do, you must ask yourself some serious questions about what you hope
to achieve by continuing this relationship. If your online love has made it clear that he will not leave his wife and child, then you must
decide if you want to live a life as "the other woman", sneaking time together when you can and growing more and more resentful over time.
In your letter you mentioned that your husband knows of your online love and has since become involved with another woman. You did not say
whether your lover's wife knew about you. If she doesn't know now, it is only a matter of time before she will know. Eventually things will come
to a head and your lover will have to choose between his family or you. You need to be thinking about that possibility and how you will handle it.
I cannot tell you what to do. You are the only person who can take control of your life and make the choices. I don't mean to be unkind because I
know you are struggling with so many different conflicting emotions over this. I don't doubt for a moment that you love him, but I don't see a happy
ending here. You need to stay strong and think about your son's future and your own future. If this relationship is destined to go nowhere, then the
sooner you end it, the sooner you can begin to heal. My heart goes out to you. Please take care.
STORY # 57 - "Is He Being Honest About His Friend?"
"Caroline" is an attractive single woman over 50 who looks younger and takes pride in her appearance. She met her dream man, age 65, online quite by accident after
receiving a misdirected email. During the course of sorting out the error, they began a friendship through email that gradually grew into phone
conversations. She felt herself falling for him even before they met briefly for coffee four months later. Eventually she traveled to his home to spend time
The problem is another of his penpals who has been corresponding and visiting him at his home for some time now. He and this other woman have exchanged holidays
three times. The woman's current visit has gone into five weeks. Supposedly this is nothing but a platonic friendship and he has told Caroline that the woman is
not that attractive, he has no romantic interest in her, and they have separate bedrooms for their holiday exchanges. He has admitted that he believes this woman is
interested in him for something more, but he is careful not to give her ideas. This woman has met his sons and friends, demands almost all of his time when she is there,
and does not appear to be going away any time soon.
Caroline says she loves this man and believes he loves her in return, but is she being naive about this other woman? She asks, "Am I just being stupid because I don't want to
believe what seems to be staring me in the face... should I wait until she leaves to make any decisions...can he be serious about this family friend? I am very lonesome right
now waiting for her to leave."
From what you have written, I'd say you already know the answer. I could certainly be wrong, but my gut level reaction is that this man wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He has been honest with you to a point; he has told you of this woman and her "holiday exchanges", primarily because it would be too difficult to hide her from you since she is
underfoot for weeks at a time and demands all of his attention when she is there.
I think your gentleman friend is enjoying the attention of two women. I'm assuming he knows you love him and presumably he has
told you he cares for you too. He would have to be blind not to see that this situation is hurtful to you. The thing that really struck me in your letter, was where you wrote
he could not call you while she was there because she demanded all his time. If she is only a family friend, then its ridiculous that he cannot go about his personal business
while she is there. If they have separate bedrooms as he claims, why can he not shut his bedroom door in the evening (or any time for that matter) and make a private call to you? If things between them are truly as he says, then
he does not owe her any explanation when he wants/needs privacy. Whatever you decide to do is your business, but at the very least a frank discussion is in order. If he is not interested in an exclusive relationship with you at
this point in his life, then he needs to be completely honest about it. If he does love you as he says he does, then he needs to quit stringing this other woman along. He is playing with real people and real feelings and he is
certainly old enough to know that. You sound like an intelligent, caring woman. You deserve better.
STORY # 56 - “Love Sometimes Calls for Sacrifice”
“Susan” is a 38 yr. old married woman who met a 39 yr. old married man online nearly two years ago. Their relationship began strictly as friends with neither expecting it to evolve into stronger feelings. Susan writes that it “was the shock of my life” to realize she was falling for a stranger she hardly knew. About 1.5 months later they had the occasion to meet in person in the presence of her family for about 20 minutes. She was prepared for their feelings to fizzle out upon meeting, but instead things only got more intense between them. As the cliche says, “time stood still when their eyes met.”
Since then they have tried to break off their relationship many times. She has even gone so far as to insult him and do things to make him angry in order to end it. But the most they have been able to stay away from each other has been two days. They profess their love for each other, but she says she loves her husband and has no intention of leaving him. Her online love has talked about divorce before but she has told him she would “leave” him if he leaves his wife and child. Her own husband once discovered some of their letters to each other and was very hurt. She told him that it was an online fantasy and that the relationship was not real and that the word love is thrown around freely online without really meaning it. Her husband has been more loving and attentive since then.
Meanwhile, the online relationship has continued to evolve. While she still loves and desires him “like crazy”, she writes that things are more calm between them now. She used to cry every night because she missed him so much, and at times there used to be feelings of distrust that he might be playing her and seducing other women online at the same time. Now, after two years, they are more like couples in the Real World, beyond those first few months of intense feelings, and showing each other more of their true personalities. The extreme romanticism and desire they had initially has been replaced with talking, teasing, quarreling, and moral support, and what she calls a “higher level” of communication. They have come to the realization that they will never be together. He recently cancelled a trip he had planned to come see her. Neither wants to hurt the other or break up their marriage. Susan closes by saying she just wanted to share and make the comment that if you truly love someone, you sometimes make sacrifices that may hurt you.
It sounds like you have worked through your feelings and made the choices that are right for you. I agree that at times love can hurt and that we must sometimes put the good of others before our own desires. I also agree that the first few months of online romance can be the most intense, at times clouding our better judgement. I personally think more people should give their cyber romance more time over the long haul before making any life-changing plans. Thank you for writing and best wishes to you.
STORY #55 - "From chat friend to penpal to something more?"
"Elena" is a 26 yr. old single female, a Net user for 3+ years, who met a single
male online last year in a chat environment. He had a girlfriend at the time so
their conversations were strictly as friends. They discovered they had a lot in common,
both being Native Americans from New Mexico. He is in the Army stationed in a southern
state and was anticipating being sent to Kosovo. Eventually he was no longer with his
girlfriend in Real Life, their chats continued, and they felt comfortable enough to
exchange phone numbers. In April they began to talk on the phone every night, until
one day she "got the dreaded call" that he was being deployed overseas with no firm
date of return. She felt their friendship had just been developing into something more.
They have continued their friendship through regular mail, both writing to each other
regularly. She says she is falling in love with him with each day that passes and he has
said he feels the same way. They feel this could well work out between them since they
are both single and child-free and have a deep friendship/love that will never be broken.
Right now they are taking it one day at a time not knowing when he will return to the
States, but knowing he will be getting out of the Army in January 2000. She closes by
saying "...just typing this puts a huge smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart..."
Your letter brought a smile to my face. I sincerely hope things work out exactly as you
both are hoping for. It sounds like you have an excellent chance. Time will tell and I'd
love to have an update from you later on once he has returned home and you have had a chance
to meet and spend time together. Good luck!
STORY #54 - "Is it possible to love two people at the same time?"
"Trisha" is a 35 yr. old married female who has been chatting with a married male
friend online for the past several months. They both love their spouses and have
no plans to leave their marriages. Therefore, they were both recently surprised to
discover they have fallen in love. She writes that she is feeling confused since
she didn't think you could love two people at the same time. Her letter closes by
asking my opinion on this matter.
What you are feeling is not unusual. Many people are capable of loving more than one
person at the same time, but our social mores require that we make a choice when that
happens. Generally, when we are in a committed marriage/relationship we tend to "tune out"
other potential mates. One of the unique aspects of online relationships is that it can
sneak up on you unexpectedly. One day you are chatting happily with a platonic friend, and
then one day you wake up with the realization you have developed strong feelings for each other.
It can be very confusing and troubling for many people.
You have not asked for advice but I would like to offer these thoughts. You are treading on
very precarious ground now that you and your friend have professed your feelings for each other.
You may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster which may change your feelings toward your
spouse and create problems in your marriage where none existed before. Please think very carefully about
the path you want to take. The best of luck to you.
STORY #53 - “Naive or just too different?”
“Josh” is a 26 yr. old male, single, and an Internet user for the past
four years. He wrote to share his experience from three years ago when
he met a girl half-way around the world through a penpal web site. He
says he was unprepared for what followed, the strong emotions and
feelings they developed for each other. Both were students at the
time; he was 23 and in Israel, she was 20 and in Canada. Two months
into the online relationship they realized with school about to start,
they would need to meet now or wait almost another year. He made
plans for a ten day trip to Canada, bought the tickets, and they both
counted the days until they could finally meet in person. After
sixteen hours of traveling and waiting at the airport for her to arrive,
the moment finally came. They had exchanged pictures online but they
were low resolution and fuzzy at best so he was uncertain who she was
until she ran up and hugged him. He says he is somewhat shy and this
way of meeting moved too quickly for him. He was frozen. They spent
the next ten days together, but now he can see that they were “forcing”
their feelings, trying to convince themselves and each other that their
cyber-love was the same in the real world. But finally, they told each
other the truth. While both found the other physically attractive, they
were quite literally from two different worlds; geographically,
culturally, and linguistically. In retrospect he feels they were naive
to think they could transcend so much in such a short time. Once they
had honestly discussed their feelings they were able to become good
friends. He has since graduated from college and has seen her twice
more, but strictly as a friend. He closes by expressing his belief that
a romance with someone on the other side of the world cannot be like a
romance with a neighbor. There are so many potential issues such as who
will leave their country, family and culture. Can a few months of
cyber romance and a few weeks of meeting in Real Life be enough to make
such major life decisions?
I think the two of you handled things exactly right for your situations.
Both of you were young, in school, and had your whole lives
ahead of you. Love should never be rushed whether it is cyberlove or
love with the person next door, but in the case of two people from
opposite corners of the world it is wise to move slowly before rushing
into any major life changes. Often times the whole idea of online
romance takes on a fairy tale quality that we don’t want to lose when we
meet in person. It is very, very hard to live up to the fantasy
expectations we build in our minds of each other. Some have written
that their cyberlove met or exceeded expectations, while some have been
disillusioned. Each case is unique. I think it speaks well of you and
your friend that you were able to finally see and share the truth about
your feelings for each other and remain friends. Thank you for writing.
STORY #52 - “Looks vs. the Inner Person.”
“Jenna” is a 35 yr. old married mother of two who has been on the Net
about three months. She has been chatting with one man in particular
(he is also married) for about three months off and on including phone
conversations. They never exchanged photos but eventually met. The
meeting was awkward at first as she did not find him particularly
physically attractive. However, at the end of their meeting she found
she still liked him a lot and is wondering if its possible to be
attracted to someone just for the person they are?
In a word. YES. This is one of the true beauties of online
friendships. You like each other for the person you are online without
any of the encumberances of physical attributes. It is a level playing
field for people of all shapes, sizes, colors, features, and
disabilities. In the Real World we are all too quick to judge people on
superficial attributes and often times pass up the chance to get to know
some wonderful people who could enrich our lives if we would just give
them a chance. That is not to say that these things aren’t important
to some degree if you take the relationship beyond friendship to
romance. There still must be some degree of attraction for each other
if/when you meet in the Real World, but sometimes we can transcend
appearance because we have taken the time to get to know the inner
person. I personally feel it is always a good idea to exchange photos
if you do plan to meet to lessen the shock of transitioning from
cyberworld to real world. It gives you both time to adjust your mental
image to reality.
Its important to also point out that not every online friendship results
in romance or meeting in real world. There are many enduring friendships
in cyberspace where no photos have been exchanged or meetings planned.
I have a number of Net friends I have known for many years online whom I
consider close, both male and female, yet I have never seen their
pictures nor do we ever plan to meet.
STORY # 51 - "Two different worlds"
"Beto" is a college student in Chile who met a young lady half-way around the
world in Indonesia on the Internet. After more than five months of waiting,
he writes that he will be flying to Jakarta in December to meet her in person
at last. In his words, "We both know that Asia and South America are completely
different but we have made a committment to get together." He has put up a web
site giving their complete story and invites others to visit at:
Thank you for sending us your story. Be sure to send us an update after the big
day in December. Good luck to you both!
STORY # 50 -"Same time next year?"
"Marsha" is a 57 yr. old married woman who has been on the Net since
1989. As a writer, she became involved in an online writer's forum for
over a year, meeting other writers, sharing and critiquing each other's
work. She and one person in particular clicked and began exchanging
stories. He would write a chapter, then she would finish the story.
After a short time she discovered that when the stories were printed out
she could not tell where his left off and hers began. Thats how in sync
their minds were. Over time they felt they had to meet. He flew to her
state and they met in a public restaurant for coffee. In her words, "We
clicked immediately and found ourselves quite drawn to each other." In
spite of the fact both are married, "After much discussion we realized
we wanted to become lovers and did so. We have enjoyed each other as
much as any couple can for as far away from each other as we are. It
seems like the movie 'Same time next year'. She closes by saying
neither of them would consider leaving their spouses, but she sometimes
wonders if the fire and passion they now have would be the same if they
First, anyone who hasn't seen the old movie, "Same Time, Next Year",
ought to go rent it. Its a great film about two people who are married
to others, meet at a retreat, and for the next 20+ years get together
once a year at the original place they met. Its a poignant comedy with
some tinges of sadness. Its always been a favorite of mine.
Second, thanks for writing and sharing. Its hard to know just how
different things might be if you were both free to pursue being
together. Perhaps some of the fire and passion you experience is fueled
by the fact it is "forbidden love." Star-crossed lovers are always the
most romantic of all in most great love stories. I wish you the best in
whatever may come. Take care.
HOME | COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS
SHARED STORIES PART I | SHARED STORIES PART 2
SHARED STORIES PART 3 | SHARED STORIES PART 4
SHARED STORIES PART 5 | ABOUT THE STAFF | LINKS